Dave The Zombie…at the cinema

Posted: February 21, 2011 in Dave The Zombie

Dave the zombie picked up the phone and dialled the automated ticket line for his local cinema complex.

“If you have a cineflicks account, please press 1 or press 2 for our film times” said the annoyingly chirpy automated voice that sounded almost completely unlike an American accent but was equally obviously trying to be one.

Dave the zombie pressed 1 on his phone pad.

“Please key in your security PIN now.” Dave the zombie did as he was instructed. “Thank you, you payment will be processed after you have selected your film” said the voice with a hint of smugness to it knowing that it would soon be taking a payment from the caller. “Please state he name of the film you wish to see”

“grrraaaa…” started Dave BEEP said the phone then went silent “aggghhhhh laaaaaagggg riiiiiiffff” continued Dave the zombie.

“You have selected “Clichéd Love Story” your ticket will be available from the ticket booth at your selected cinema”. The voice then went silent and the line went dead.

Dave the zombie had a puzzled look on his face. That was not the film he wanted to see. He punched the numbers into the keypad once again.

After a few minutes, Dave the zombie had TWO tickets for “Clichéd Love Story”. He started to punch in the numbers once more but gave up after his finger snapped in two midway through dialing. Dave the zombie looked around for the sellotape but found an empty roll. He was going to buy some more from the supermarket but that was another story. He placed the severed finger onto the stump and then tore of a small strip of newspaper and wrapped it around the detached digit and looped an elastic band around it to hold it firmly in place. As Dave lowered his arm, he heard a small THUNK as the finger fell from the tube. He picked up his finger, looked at it for a moment, then put it in a glass dish that had bits of brac-a-brac in it. “Agghhhhhh” said Dave the zombie and noticed that a drawing pin was embedded into the finger. Odd, he thought, that he could feel the pain of the pin in his finger even though the finger was no longer attached to his hand. He had to pull the drawing pin out with his teeth, two of which fell out in the attempt.

Dave the zombie arrived at the cinema, he made several attempts to get in. Automatic doors had taken a severe dislike to him and his right foot had ended up outside the cinema doors. Fortunately, a gangly youth kicked the foot in and Dave the zombie hobbled over to where the severed limb came to a stop. It was at the popcorn kiosk. Dave the zombie felt obliged to buy a bucket of popcorn and a small tub of ice cream and walked away considerably poorer than he was a moment ago.

Dave the zombie picked up the two tickets and made his way to the auditorium that was showing the film. The room was already dark when Dave the zombie stepped through the doors and he thought he was in the wrong cinema as the screen was filled with machine gun totting gangsters firing round after round at each other. It turned out to be an advertisement for sanitary towels.

Then the film began. Dave the zombie found himself being sucked into the film’s, albeit simplistic, narrative. But then a new character introduced themselves into the storyline.

“Hey” said a male voice from the row in front of where Dave the zombie was sitting “isn’t that what’s her name from that show?”

“Yeah, I think you’re right” screeched the voice of his viewing companion. At first Dave the Zombie thought it was a woman but the aroma that wafted to his nostrils confirmed that it was no woman in her right mind. “She used to date thingy but is now dating whatshisface from that cop show.”

“Oh, yeah. Did you see last week’s episode, the way the killer killed the victims was totally gross” he continued.

The conversation continued in this vein for several minutes leaving Dave the zombie clueless as to whether the  main character in the film was the ex girlfriend of a former politician or a murdering harlot who had taken to kill philanderers who had failed to rise to the occasion.

To make matters worse, Dave the zombie had spilled his popcorn when the man leaped from his seat as he screamed that the extra third from the right in the scene set in a lift was, in fact, the film’s director.

No popcorn and a couple of  annoying film buffs in front of him, Dave the zombie felt that he had no choice. Two loud CRUNCHes were followed by a GLOOPing sound as Dave the zombie used the small spoon that came with the small tub of ice-cream to eat something more to Dave the zombie’s taste. The brain tasted particularly yummy and Dave the zombie pondered that perhaps it was because it had been used so infrequently.

  1. Becky says:

    New rule for movie theaters… One eye on the screen, one eye circling the theater for brain sucking zombies.
    Poor Dave, no one gets him. 😉

  2. Ruth Fanshaw says:

    Poor Dave. I feel his pain. :S

  3. scablander says:

    This is hilarious. I love it. Do they really fake American accents? Here the commercials try to fake British accents to sound more classy or smart.

    (Sppt. Found a typo. 8th paragraph, fourth sentence “He was going to but some more from the supermarket…” “but” should be “buy.”)

    • Thank you 🙂 Yes, they do often use fake American accents here. (My house phone has an answering message that start of with a fake/sunny American accent but ends with a different voice doing received pronounciation [due to one company being taken over by another] ~ it makes me cringe when I hear it). Thank you for your kind comment and careful reading 🙂

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